What to Do When Your Partner Is Upset But They Won't Tell You Why

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When your partner is visibly upset, at the very top of your mind are the different ways you can help them feel better. However, this can get a little complicated when your typically bubbly, chatty, or loving partner reclines into themselves without giving any explanation as to why, or worse—denying that anything is wrong in the first place.

Dealing with an upset, yet uncommunicative partner can be very discouraging. Part of your frustration may be due to the fact that, as licensed professional counselor Kathryn Ely notes, "You cannot force another person to communicate with you if they are not ready to do so."

At a Glance

Your partner might tell you outright when they are upset, but other times you may have to infer their feelings based on behaviors. It's not always easy for people to share what they're feeling, particularly when they are upset, so it can be helpful to show your own feelings and lead the conversation with empathy.

To help you navigate this challenge, several experts have shared the possible meaning behind a partner who doesn't communicate why they may be upset. We also provide actions you can take to show support to your partner, helping them to open up and share what may be wrong.

Signs Your Partner Might Be Upset

When your partner doesn't share what they are feeling or admit to changes in their behavior, this can be confusing. You might wonder if you're imagining the increased silence, or you may start to question whether you're reading too much into their actions.

An example is if your partner turns down a cuddle session before you sleep. Is there a reason that they're declining the intimacy or are they simply telling the truth about working too hard to have the energy to hold you before bedtime?

If you're not sure what is going on with your partner, the following behaviors can be an indication that they may be upset.

They’ve Started to Pull Away From You

If you must go to the deep recesses of your mind to recall the last time you shared a lingering embrace with your partner, went on a walk with them, or even just sat down to watch TV together, this could be a sign that the intimacy in your relationship is missing.

If you attempt to initiate little bonding moments with your partner, only to have them shut your plans down or cancel with flimsy excuses, this could also be a clear indicator that they are upset.

Your Conversations Seem to Have Double Meanings

A partner who is upset can sometimes be skilled at making innuendos. An example is if you ask if something is bothering them, and they respond with, "Why would I be upset? Did you do anything wrong?" This type of response may be telling you that something is indeed wrong—and they think that you’re to blame.

Your Partner Is Showing You Less Affection

If your partner routinely did things like brewing your morning coffee or rubbing your feet after a long day, only to stop those actions without warning or reason—they may be leaving not-so-subtle cues to alert you of their annoyance.

Communication With Them Has Become Strained

It can be painful to go from wrestling with your partner on who hangs up the phone first to barely being able to spend five minutes on a call with them. When you find that texting, phone calls, or in-person conversations are feeling labored, this could be a sign that your partner is upset about something.

Reasons Your Partner May Not Tell You Why They’re Upset

There may be any number of reasons your partner may choose to remain quiet when they are clearly upset. One is simply that they're not ready to open up. "If your partner's upset but won’t admit it, they may not be ready to talk about it,” says Kristen Mark, PhD, a sex and relationship expert.

Ely adds that, for some people, it may be difficult to share what's on their minds. "Some people avoid conflict at all costs and never speak up when upset," she says.

This is especially true for people who are uncomfortable with confrontation, choosing instead to deal with things their way. Yet, this failure to deal with things head-on "can lead to resentment and distance in a relationship," says Ely.

All conflict is not bad. Conflict and discussion, if handled in a mature manner, is necessary for relationships to grow deeper and stronger by developing healthy boundaries.

Your partner choosing to remain silent about an upsetting matter could also be an act of stonewalling you, says Rachel Sommer, PhD, clinical sexologist. Stonewalling refers to a refusal to communicate or discuss feelings with a partner. "Partners who intentionally shut down and refuse to communicate can make the relationship a living hell," she says.

Sommer also highlights that the silent treatment is another practice of an uncommunicative yet upset partner. This can be "frustrating, hurtful, and damaging to the relationship," she warns.

Your partner keeping mum on whatever is making them upset isn’t always a reason to question their character or commitment to your relationship. However, because their refusal to communicate can set trouble in motion for your relationship, it may be necessary to make efforts to reach out to them.

How to Communicate When Your Partner Is Upset

It can be hard not to take it personally when your partner won’t share what is making them upset. It may even be tempting to return the favor, keeping to yourself or employing passive-aggressive actions to project your annoyance to the other person.

But responding this way can only worsen relations between the both of you. Instead, Sommer suggests that "you can curate the conversation in a way that fosters their participation." This can be achieved in the following ways.

Let Them Know How You Feel

Asking your partner now and again what’s wrong may not get you any closer to receiving an answer. Sommer suggests doing things a little differently. She believes that, to get to the bottom of things, it’s crucial to set time aside to have a discussion.

To prevent your partner from avoiding the situation, especially if they are non-confrontational in nature, Sommer suggests that you "start by building up to an exciting convo they can participate in and gradually show them why talking about the issue at hand is beneficial.”

This eases them into the conversation, putting them in a position where they are comfortable and more willing to share whatever may be the issue.

Practice Empathy

When you’re upset about something, whether big or small, it can be difficult to explain your hurt to others. It’s important to keep this in mind when trying to learn what may be the issue with your partner.

It can be hard to temper the emotions and communicate clearly. Encourage your partner to take the time they need to process, if that helps.

When talking with your partner, try to manage your own emotions—even if the thing your partner is worried about seems minor to you. Keeping your emotions in check helps ensure that they are comfortable enough to reveal their current and future feelings to you.

Give Them Time to Reflect

While your partner is sharing the source of their upset, listen actively, asking questions where necessary to make sure you’re on the same page. Depending on the direction the conversation takes, your partner may need some comfort in the form of words of encouragement or a warm embrace, especially if a sensitive matter is being discussed.

In other situations, simply letting them know that they have your support and leaving them to think about their feelings (and how they were handled in this situation) could be the best move to take.

Avoid Disputes About Minor Issues

"I don't think you can prevent upset or disputes, nor should you want to," says Ely. "Upsets and disputes are part of a healthy relationship. The key is to have these disputes in a respectful and loving manner.”

While petty spats and quarrels are routine, Mark takes a slightly different approach. When it comes to your relationship, "Preventing disputes that are unnecessary or trivial can be a good thing," she says.

That means letting it go if your partner forgot to take the trash out on their week to do so, or forgiving them if they started a new show without you. In instances such as these, it’s important to prioritize happiness in your relationship.

Takeaway

Your partner is a big part of your life, so it’s understandable to get frazzled when you can’t seem to get through to them when they appear upset. To get around this, it’s important to be mindful of their feelings.

Ease into conversations that make them feel comfortable to share their pain. Reflect on how their actions have affected you emotionally, your well-being, and the impact they've had on the health of your relationship.

At the same time, while your partner is important, your interests should also be at the forefront of your mind. Don't forget to look after your own wants and needs in the relationship. And if their words or actions are consistently hurtful or harmful, it may be time to consider other options.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

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2. Fischer DJ, Fink BC. Clinical processes in behavioral couples therapy. Psychotherapy (Chic). 2014;51(1):11-4. doi:10.1037/a0033823
3. Ringwald WR, Wright AGC. The affiliative role of empathy in everyday interpersonal interactions. Eur J Pers. 2021;35(2):197-211. doi:10.1002/per.2286

By Elizabeth Plumptre
Elizabeth is a freelance health and wellness writer. She helps brands craft factual, yet relatable content that resonates with diverse audiences.

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